Love, Exaggerated

If you plan to pick up a dozen roses and a box of chocolates for your partner on Valentine’s Day, well, maybe just one of those presents will be adequate.

That’s because people with a strong desire to maintain a bond with a romantic partner remember his or her behavior as more positive and supportive than it actually is, according to new UMD research.

“It’s not really that we are completely detached (from reality),” says Edward Lemay, an associate professor of psychology whose study was funded by the National Science Foundation. “Our perceptions put on a positive or negative spin.”

In one experiment he conducted in his Interpersonal Relationships Lab, Lemay brought in 247 couples and asked a member of each to disclose a personal problem to the other, recording the interaction and then showing it to an independent panel of observers. If the subjects had an intense desire to bond with their mates, such as strong romantic commitment, they would remember their partners as more empathetic or supportive than the panel judged.

In fact, memories of the lab conversations became even more positively exaggerated during follow-up reports two weeks and six months later.

“There’s evidence of this bias even when you are talking about a single interaction,” Lemay says.

Although it sounds like a potential recipe for heartache, research in this area has shown benefits, from greater relationship satisfaction to better coping. Lemay also says that this wishful thinking may provide people with the courage to make the “leap of faith” needed to overcome their fears and initiate romantic relationships in the first place.

“We’d be self-protective all the time (without it),” he says.

Lemay is currently looking at how this works in relationships across class and racial groups, examining whether those couples are more likely to perceive their mates as having egalitarian and inclusive views.

So maybe go ahead this Valentine’s Day and pick up two gifts—a few months from now, they may remember it as three.